Has anyone ever said to you, “You take things too personally!”
I sure have and honestly, this comment is not helpful and often just makes us feel worse.
Further, there are a lot of suggestions out there for how to stop taking things personally such as:
- consider the other person;
- they are just like that;
- they didn’t mean it;
- you need to get over it
Although sometimes true, these suggestions are also not helpful.
Rethink How Not to Take Things Personally
The phrase “You Take Things too Personally” is too general.
Consider instead that what is happening is you are being set off (triggered, provoked, stirred up) by the behavior of the other person.
Things they are doing, saying, even how they are acting towards you.
If you can reach a little deeper and find what words, what actions, what behaviors are provoking you into feeling bad, you will have a much better chance of diffusing the feelings of hurt, guilt, anger.
When you feel hurt, just notice what happened, ask yourself what is it about what this person said, or did that set off your own bad feelings?
Recognize that the hurt came from a particular word, action, or even another person’s feelings.
As a sensitive person, you know what I am saying. Other’s negative feelings can really take a toll on our own self.
It may be helpful to ask yourself when it started in your history — as a child, as an adult, after a major life event? — and revisit your past history.
Or, it may not be helpful at all. Only you can answer this and the fact is that it is happening at this time in your life and you will have to work with it now, not back then.
How Not to Take Things Personally — 11 Tips
ONE. Stop beating yourself up about “taking things personally”. We are feeling beings.
TWO. Begin to look at these situations and that something is triggering your feelings.
THREE. If you continue to see it as just “taking something personal”, this is too general. Be more specific about each incidence and you will be able to manage it better and feel more in control.
FOUR. Someone in your life is critical, negative, and hurtful. This may be true and acknowledge that It Is NOT Okay.
FIVE. Knowing is the beginning. Triggers and reactions happen from childhood or situations in your life that prompted a trigger or a bad feeling.
SIX. Make a list of those things/situations/words that you are noticing are causing you to feel bad. Critical comments, snappy responses, seemingly being left out of things.
EIGHT. Make a list on to post on your computer or bathroom mirror so you can acknowledge and understand and realize these things trigger you and how it appears to others that I am “taking things too personally”.
NINE. Observe when the triggering activity comes your way.
Example, someone says something critical. Breathe for a moment and notice. Try not to react. If you do react, that is okay but continue to do this every time this occurs as it will get easier. Just observe.
Eventually, you will be able to expand the time between the trigger and the reaction.
Again, if you just can’t quickly, it is truly okay. just allow it to be okay for now.
TEN. Practice and build your confidence around not reacting quickly and taking care of yourself. These triggers didn’t happen overnight — it takes a bit to correct.
ELEVEN. Put space between you and the words. Imagine a field of daisies between you and the person who is being critical or making you feel bad. Smile. Be okay with it.
Things that Are Not Okay
Some behaviors towards you are not okay.
We realize and know we cannot change the other person.
Yet, we need to strongly acknowledge ourselves, and sometimes tell the other person that “This is NOT Okay that you treat me this way… that you say this to me… that you hurt me.”
Sometimes all we get is to say our peace and hold strong within ourselves knowing This is NOT Okay.
How I Learned One Thing — An Example of My Own Feeling Better
One thing that started to provoke me is I realized I was feeling left out.
I created this feeling as an adult and I truly don’t know exactly what started it but what is important is that I was able to acknowledge it, realize what and when I was feeling it and diffuse the hold it had on me so I could be at peace with myself and feel confident.
In the past, I always had lots of friends and family and never felt alone or left out of things.
However, I started feeling left out when my husband began hanging out more with friends.
He and I had always worked together and did everything together.
One year we moved, he started making more friends, and I understandably started feeling left out.
He kept telling me to “not take it personally” (not helpful) and I created in my mind that I was being left out instead of that he just had added a few more friends and our relationship was as good as ever.
To narrow it down, I just wasn’t sure of the changes and I took a subject and made it bigger than it was and added to the stress by trying to get out of the “you’re just taking this personal” trap.
After acknowledging that when he was spending more time with friends that I was feeling left out and sad versus “taking it too personally”, I was very much able to transform the feeling of hurt and get on with my life.
The Only Thing That Has Worked for How Not To Take Things Personally
Hopefully, you can see how the “taking it too personally” label does not work and makes it worse.
This is most likely happening for you too in some aspect of your life.
Truth is, I have been there with being left out feelings, feeling hurt by words and actions and so many others.
The steps above have been the only thing I have found to work and I hope you find the same too.
How I Began to Realize This Different Way
I was googling articles. They all said the same thing.
I came across this video with Eckhart Tolle and saw everything completely differently.
Controlling Your Reactivity | Q&A Eckhart Tolle